An integral part of my yogic journey involves recognizing where my ego tends to appear (and take over) and how to separate it from everyday situations to ensure that I’m not purely thinking of myself, but rather of the more universal Self. At this point in time, checking my ego has been an excercise almost 10 years in the making, and I can’t help but think that it will take many more years to get where I’d like to be with that dissociation. Don’t get me wrong – I am far from selfish or self-absorbed, but it’s amazing how present the ego can be when you least expect it.
With all the changes that have gone on in my life over the past 12 months, I can’t help but feel a little flare-up of pride when I receive good feedback about any of my projects or endeavors. The way I’d been conditioned to learn was by receiving positive reinforcement upon completion of a subject or task, so despite having more personal satisfaction over the past year than I’ve ever had, I’m also hungrier for recognition and more ambitious than I’ve ever been. I suppose this is down to wanting to be the absolute best version of myself that I can be, which seems more loftier a goal than ever considering that a good part of my time now is spent as a student. In the past I’ve never been enamoured by what I was doing professionally, but was more motivated by who I was doing it with and the money I got paid for doing it. My motivation now seems somehow more organic, more of an expression of who I am, but that ends up being more of a double-edged sword, as nothing is more intimidating for me than putting myself out there for everyone else to see. Being that vulnerable and transparent means feeling the feedback ten-fold, whether it be praise or criticism (I must admit than any criticism I’ve received in this new chapter of my life has been solely constructive, for my own good with the best of intentions behind them, and the source of the best information I’ve yet received).
Once I had gotten in the habit of checking my ego at the first sign of an appearance, I started to notice how other people’s ego manifested themselves in their words and actions. Most of them time, the people seemed oblivious of it, but in other cases, it seemed to be the motivator behind those words and actions. What I observe daily is that people who work in different sectors display different degrees needing to have their ego fed. This need is obviously also affected by different upbringings in different environments, but where people end up spending their professional lives is sometimes a very telling marker of how they need to feel appreciated and how intensely their ego needs stroking.
The most obvious example of this would be people in the entertainment industry. The most successful performers of our time, the greatest entertainers who are the most at ease on a stage in front of tens of thousands of people, are very often the biggest egomaniacs of our time. I sometimes think that these people are also the ones who were missing some key element in childhood, some opportunity to bond with a parent or loved one that proved elusive. As a result, the rest of their lives are spent looking for that bond and the person attached to it. Having a stadium or arena full of people adoring and paying to see an entertainer of this caliber would definitely be the most extreme version of an ego getting what it thinks it needs, but this is not always the case. If you speak to or listen to any of these entertainers talk about their experience, the most commonly discussed issue that arises is that instead of walking away from the experience sated and nurtured, the opposite occurs, leaving the entertainer feeling more alone and isolated than ever. Nothing can ever take the place of the bonding that occurs in early childhood, and so some of the most successful, egomaniacal people are simply looking for that bonding.
Obviously, not everything is black and white. There are highly successful people who love what they do and perceive financial compensation, adulation and praise as by-products of the gig, but not necessarily the motivating factors. The ego probably plays a role in somewhere in the equation, but the benefits of helping others often serves as the imprint that keeps them going. There are doctors, lawyers, spiritual advisors, and countless others that walk away from clients knowing that they have aided in changing people’s lives for the better, and now that I’ve been teaching yoga and living all that it encompasses, I can see how why it keeps people going. I had always heard the expression, “To help others is to help yourself,” but I always thought it sounded like a contradiction – if the aim is to help others, then I shouldn’t be concerned with helping myself. I now, however, understand it.
Most of the literature I’ve read about spirituality, be it Yoga, Kabbalah, Buddhism, Hinduism, all of it points to the fact that despite being separate waves, we are all still individual components that make up the same ocean, and we all share the same source. From that perspective, it makes sense that if we all are from the same source, sharing the same energy, then to help someone is to help oneself. And to help oneself is to help everyone, thanks to the thread of continuity that binds us all together. Tthe satisfaction and contentment that comes from helping others has allowed me to be more at ease in my career now than I ever was.
Teaching a yoga class is proving to be the best way to remove the ego from my environment. Giving it all up, my words, my breath, my energy, my intention, and seeing the manifestation of my instruction take shape through the students’ postures leaves me with a feeling that only reinforces my belief in what I’m doing. As meditative as their practice is, I’m finding an equally meditative aspect in teaching…the cadence and inflections of my words and voice and the vibrations that are produced in my body by the continual stream of instruction is proving to be a greater teacher than I ever could have imagined. It’s in these moments that I realize the value of removing the ego from the equation, when I sense the truth at the base of our collective existence rising up, making a rare appearance. And so I keep on going, becoming more and more comfortable teaching and practicing, more and more certain of the value of what I’m doing (all the while knowing that I’m simply managing something that works through me without being deluded into believing that I own it). And so I’m grateful 🙂